The emotional contraceptives

What constitutes pain and confusion in love and physical attraction? Why do we often find ourselves in agonizing situations despite the primary magic of an intimate association?

Emotions are an integral part of our social and civic self, but we are often conditioned to restrict and push it away, and maintain a stoic facade. The words ‘stiff upper lip’ are not conjecture; we often fall prey to it and end up with a stiffer heart and soul.

As children we were often told to hold back our emotional outbursts, hide our feelings and not to cry in front of everyone and disgrace ourselves. Girls and boys both were instructed to bottle up feelings like anger, love, attraction, infatuations and sexual feelings, and behave like ‘good boys’ and ‘good girls'. These are the confusing syndromes that most of us have grown up with. As a result, we keep feelings of love and the natural sexual attractions we feel for the opposite sex, bottled up. Instead of accepting these two as the most healthy and normal feeling, we tend to hide them and treat them as guilty indulgences.

Most cyber crimes, cyber sex, pornography and intimacy phobias occur due to such false inhibitions regarding the acceptability of such desires. An adolescent would secretly search the net and go though the sex sites to satisfy his curiosity. If caught he/she will be punished severely, and as result a guilt will develop, regarding sex. If a teenager reveals infatuations and some developing feelings of attraction for someone, then often these feelings are made fun of or chided by elders and the tender feelings undergo some guilt ridden repressions.

Parents even withdraw love from an ‘erring’ child and make him feel absolutely miserable about his feelings. So what happens is that, as a child if our own emotional needs were not responded to, or crushed due to some misplaced sense of morality of parents, then we become adults who are ill-equipped to respond to our and other’s feelings and emotions. We fail to recognize the value of emotional literacy and end up as ‘unfeeling’ adults.

This ‘unfeeling’ starts as defense against the acceptance of our own vulnerability and we end up repressing, fearing, shying away from our own intimate feelings. Sex becomes a refuge from emotions and something to be treated as a purely physical need. Falling in love and having emotions for someone is considered as a sign of weakness, and sex becomes a relentless quest for fulfillment.

Love makes the world go round, so does sex. The two cannot be separated from each other. Problems arise when the two are treated as different entities. A mind and heart numbed into believing that feelings and emotions have nothing to do with sexual satisfaction will often find a sexual experience inadequate. Something will always be amiss, even after a so called great romp in bed. And to fill the vacant feelings the person will switch from one partner to another, only to fall deeper in the quagmire of emptiness and feelings of dissatisfaction.

Sex was discovered by humans to procreate, bond, relate and above all to have pleasure. It is something that demands and deserves a great deal of respect. But so often sex is just a mechanical, mind numbing activity or a quick fix for carnal desires.

The all encompassing feelings of belongingness are often ignored in the fast living and quick thinking settings of today’s world. Researchers say that orgasm lasts for 15 seconds only, and it is clear that sex in terms of bodily pleasure has a life span of 15 seconds only. Or if you don’t agree fully then let us say approximately 16 seconds … or for that matter close to 17 or 18, but not more than that, because only pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes!--- But before we start envying the pig, let us have a closer look at the taboos of a subject that is still groping in the dark (no pun intended) for a fully understandable debate.

Generally speaking, we say love and sex, coming in that order. Because, when love comes, sex cannot be far behind. The desire to touch, hold, kiss and possess a loved one is as natural as sunshine. In fact, something is not right with the relationship if physical desire is not there. Falling in love and feeling an emotional bond with someone after a few meetings is also a common occurrence. But in today’s fast changing scenario, the common adage is: “No Time for Love”, because it directly reflects on us being termed as contemporary, progressive and modern in our outlook, because most of us have begun to believe that Love is pure mush, and it takes away a lot of energy to build, keep and nurture a loving relationship.

It also takes a long time to develop a relationship into one of true love, whereas a willing partner and a convenient place is generally the only prerequisite to having sex. You find a consenting partner who pushes your adrenaline/oxytocin levels up, when you look at them and …if it is mutual then the close encounters take place at ‘your place’ or ‘mine’; it doesn’t matter where… as long as it quells a few haywire desires of flesh. Often such meetings and sexual exploits leave one with a huge question mark of real fulfillment. It happens because sex comes with a price; and without the harness of Love, often leaves one with a feeling of emptiness and being used.

We need a certain kind of emotional bond and a sense of assurance about the stability of our partnership, so that the vulnerable feelings that invariably surface when we have opened our body to another are valued. It is absolutely essential to have emotionally safe sex. The emotional contraceptives are for the health of our soul, spirit, self-esteem and self worth.